Home  + JunoShield  + Blue Ice  + Linux Written on Dec. 16, 1999 © 1999 by Joel Dueck. All Rights Reserved Job 21:3

Why America Should Conquer Canada   It is with indignation and general astonishment that we find the Canada issue has not been raised or addressed among the candidates prevailing for placement in the presidential office. This is solution which has been staring our land of plenty in the face for decades; a solution which it is entirely practicable to sieze upon; and a solution which wants only a question to complement it. We here intend to provide both in a Concise Format. Speaking parenthetically for a moment, it must be noted that these points are all raised by one speaking as a Minnesotan, whose father and his father before him were born in Canada; and who has many Canadian relatives. That Duecks are as plentiful in Winnepeg as Johnsons in the Twin Cities is a well known fact. It might be said correctly that my Assimilationist perspective is aided by a love of Canada's climate and the intrigue of its culture. It would not be such a stretch to say, in the spirit of similar remarks by Shakespeare's Henry V, that in attaining Canada we do not make ourselves the enemy and despiser of it, but that we love Canada such that we would have it all ours. Read on. The decidedly simple editors at our contemporary newspapers, such as the Pequod Lake Conifer and Gazette have raised the question of how assimilation of Canada could be in the best interests of our prosperous Republic. There are a number of benefits which immediately present themselves to mind: First, as a matter of human compassion, we ought to feel compelled to save the Canadian citizens from their socialist government and failing economy. It is a heavy and well-known burden of that people, that their backs strain from having to carry change instead of paper cash. The workers are paid by their employers in two-dollar "loony" coins, and only the rich class that can afford a home computer and Internet access are able to opt out of this ridiculous arrangement in favor of a "cashless" system. Combine with this the fact that their money is worth only half its value in American dollars, and that sixty percent of it returns to a government which pacifies its citizens with a half-baked national health care system, and you have a scenario which should induce even the most pitted grump to compassion. Secondly, we note that it ought to be a prime plank in any candidate's platform, to save this continent from haughty Frenchmen who, through a fluke in the Canadian system of representation, enjoy an unfair leverage in matters of State; and who stubbornly try to subvert the spread of the English language with stupid legislation. It was reported not long since that a man could not, without heavy fines, place a sign exclusively in English on his storefront; he must have it in French as well, and deal with all sorts of beeheaded regulations involving the size of the type, etc. We need not, after conquering Canada, take the hasty step of actually deporting Frenchmen outright; this would be plain racism, and after all, it is their proud Attitude, not their race, to which we object. Instead, it would be more prudent to eliminate the parliamentary system and its accruement of fusty laws altogether, and to bring Canada under American jurisdiction. The haughty and indignant French can leave if they like, and most who stay will be the kind we want anyway: open-minded citizens who know what's good for them. We at JIPW note that it is in the best of long-honoured traditions for a country, when it has waxed wealthy and powerful, to subdue the nations about it. An assimilation of Canada would also solve the longstanding problem of fishing rights at the Northwest Angle, a small fragment of Minnesota which was isolated from the rest of the state by a surveilance and navigational error. When Canada has been conquered, the Angle can be made a part of the new State of Ontario, and everyone can enjoy equal fishing rights as American citizens. The removal of hassles involving crossing borderlines, &c;, would also be a boon to the locals at the Angle, as well as the general shipping economy which revolves about the Great Lakes. Finally, this strategic move would put an end once and for all to the cruel practice of forcing the Canadian schoolchildren to try to learn the meandering national anthem, "O Canada." We would also be able to eliminate this confusing strain from the sports stadiums in games at which the Canadian baseball and hockey teams participate. Again, the Pequod Lake Conifer and Gazette embarrasses itself by asking whether we should meet with resistance from the Canadians. We reply to this that it could be done quickly and painlessly, before the day is out if once we were decided on it; that we could send the ministers and members of the Canadian parliament home and present everyone in the country with a US citizenship for Christmas before they even turned on cable television to see what was going on; that a breed of people who get sleepy and turn in at 9:00 in the evening could not possibly be disposed to offer resistance to a turn of events which they will soon see as a change for the better. We are not afraid of the Frenchmen, either. They lost all the wars, anyway. We can succeed where the United Kingdom failed because we are a large nation adjacent in location to Canada, which the UK was not, and have much to offer economically, which the UK did not. We have a shortage of professional workers; Canada has scads of skilled unemployed and underpaid people. Here is opportunity staring us in the eyes pretty regular, and it is needful that we sieze it promptly. - JD "I do desire that we may be better strangers." - Shakespeare